


The Reluctant Soldier

by Bandity



Series: Voltron Whump Week [7]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Gen, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Langst, Major Injury, Nausea, Near Death Experience, PTSD, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 04:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11889699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: Lance is badly injured on a mission and struggles with his role as sharpshooter.





	The Reluctant Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 7: Head injury/Internal Damage
> 
> Be warned that this one is more on the violent side, but it doesn't linger too long on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance was the sharpshooter. It was something he was good at. He wouldn’t say he loved it. Shooting robots was fine, but he never liked it when his targets were flesh and blood. He always put that aside though. This was a war and it didn’t matter how he actually felt about killing living things.

He fired off two more shots, taking down the soldiers that were headed for Pidge.

From his position on top of the cargo crates, he could see the entire battle around him. They had gotten themselves cornered in a supply room and they were waiting for an emergency extraction from Keith in Red. Until then, they just had to stand their ground. Avoid capture.

Lance ignored the way his stomach twisted when he shot an officer through the head. They’d been going toward Hunk. He couldn’t allow that.

His team chattered consistently over the comlink. _Lance, get the door. Lance, concentrate fire in front of me. Lance, can you help me out?_

Lance was trying to keep low, but occasionally he had to kneel on his knee to get a certain shot. He adjusted his position again trying to get a clear view. _Just don’t think, just end it quickly, you’re a good shot, none of them will even realize what happened._

In his crosshairs there was an unmoving soldier. Lance went to pull the trigger, but something in the soldier’s stance made him hesitate.

This Galra was just standing there. He wasn’t giving orders or trying to attack anyone. In fact, his arms hung at his sides, he had a gun in one hand but he didn’t raise it. He just stood... frozen.

Lance blinked, lowered his rifle. He stared at this Galra who had stopped on the battlefield. At this soldier’s feet lay several other Galra soldiers that Lance had already taken out.

To be on a battlefield and to see most of your comrades already fallen with holes in their heads…

Was the soldier shaking or was Lance imagining it?

Lance felt like he was falling.

_Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it._

Distantly, he heard his name on the com, but he couldn’t turn away.

_Just walk away. If you’re scared, just turn around and leave_ , Lance thought fiercely at the soldier. _Just leave._

Pidge appeared in the corner of Lance’s vision and he saw the moment the soldier was able to pull himself together. Lance saw the way he clenched his fists to stop the shaking and how he took several deep breaths… raised his blaster at Pidge…

He was dead before he could even aim at her.

Lance dropped down onto his stomach. He told himself it was to avoid the shots that were coming his way. But he felt the way his heart hammered in his rib cage, like it was going to burst through. He swallowed down the sick that was in his throat.

Lance felt his breathing get all caught up in his chest. His hands were shaking hard. He rolled onto his back and tried to get a hold of himself.

He could hear Shiro’s voice in his ear, but couldn’t find the breath to respond.

Staring up at the ceiling, he tried to pretend that he wasn’t in the middle of a fight. He needed to pull himself together. He was fine. The others needed him.

Lance took a few deep breaths, clenched his hands into fists a couple of times and rolled back onto his stomach. He raised his rifle. Someone was giving Hunk a hard time, he could end it quickly.

Lance hadn’t heard the large soldier that had climbed his stack of crates. He was concentrating so hard on quieting his own breathing that he didn’t hear the ragged breaths behind him.

One moment he was lining up his shot and the next he wasn’t.

Pain exploded from his back as his shoulder snapped forward. He was being grabbed by the ankle and dragged backwards. A hit across his face and he tasted blood. Lance couldn’t bring his bayard up, his arm was useless and instead of fighting back, his only good arm went up in a defensive position.

The Galra had some kind of club and it broke and crushed his armor in places. There was pain and pain and Lance couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t do anything. He felt it when his ribs cracked, felt it when his arm was broken and knocked to the side, leaving his head exposed.

He thought he heard the others shouting for him before it all faded away.

At least it had been over quickly.

* * *

 

Shiro caught Lance’s body when it was thrown through the air.

He had seen the Galra soldier too late, holding Lance aloft by his neck and then Lance was tossed from the crates like he was nothing.

And Shiro knew he was dead because there was so much blood and he had never seen Lance look that lifeless.

Shiro ran, extended his arms and caught him. Lance’s head lolled sickeningly to the side. There was so much blood dripping down his face. Shiro froze, panic gripped his heart. _Please, no no no no._

Hunk took care of the soldier, Hunk took care of all of them.

“Shiro! Shiro! He’s breathing. Look!” Pidge was shaking Shiro’s arm and shouting at him. Shiro’s world came back into focus. He could barely hear Lance drawing in gurgling breaths. He was alive.

“Move! Move! Keith is here!” Pidge was now pulling him and Shiro snapped back into his role.

“Hunk! Let’s go!” He shouted over his shoulder, words sounding much stronger than he felt.

Soon, they were all crammed aboard Red and Shiro held onto Lance as tightly as he dared. Shiro was reporting back to the castleship in a detached way. Coran was talking to him, telling him to go directly to the cryopods. Usually Coran liked to do an assessment before he put someone in a pod, but they didn’t have the time now. Shiro let him know that he understood and then he went silent. Keith was tense, trying to fly as quickly and smoothly as possible. Pidge had curled in on herself, resting her forehead on her knees, trying to breathe evenly. Hunk was left hovering over Lance, speaking quietly to him.

They had nearly arrived, when Lance’s unswollen eye fluttered open. His gaze fell on Hunk and he let out a groan.

“Lance?” Hunk asked shakily. Lance coughed in response; blood trickled out of his swollen mouth and down his chin. He shut his eye and groaned again. Hunk was pretty sure his jaw was fractured.

“Just hang on. It’s going to be alright.” Shiro whispered. He didn’t sound like he believed it.

Hunk nodded.

“Yeah, you’re going to be fine.” Hunk didn’t sound so sure either.

* * *

 

Lance’s armor was quickly discarded and when the helmet came off, there was so much blood caked into his hair that Shiro couldn’t tell if there was one wound or several. Shiro snapped at them all to step back. _Stop. Don’t touch him. Leave if you have to._

Coran didn’t even stop to inspect any of Lance’s wounds. They just shoved him into a pod as quickly as possible. Since they didn't have the time to clean out his wounds, Coran said that they would need to keep an eye out for infection later.

“Are we in time?” Shiro finally asked. Coran didn’t say anything in response. The silence frightened Shiro more than anything he could have told him. Shiro looked behind him; he saw the others in various states of panic and fear.

Keith was pacing away from the others. Shiro guessed that he had found a way to blame himself, though he didn’t know how.

Pidge and Hunk were standing close to each other. Hunk kept wiping away tears and Pidge was fighting hard to keep it together. She was squeezing Hunk’s hand so hard that her fingernails were leaving indents in his skin. Hunk didn’t seem to notice.

Keith felt bad because it took him too long to evacuate them. Shiro sighed when the thought clicked into place.

“Keith, take the others and step out.”

“I don’t want to go,” Pidge spoke up.

“Shiro… no,” Hunk mumbled. “I’m not leaving.”

Keith gave Shiro a desperate look, he didn’t want to be in charge of them and he wasn’t going to make them leave.

“Alright, alright. Keith, can you go and get some water for everyone then?”

Keith nodded and walked quickly from the room.

Shiro let out several deep breaths and looked back at Coran. Coran finally looked up from the computer and met Shiro’s eyes. He gave a small nod and then cleared his throat.

“It looks like he’s going to be alright.”

The room gave a collective sigh of relief.

“It’s going to be a few days though. You’re welcome to stay as long as you all want.”

Over the next few hours, everything they would need was brought into the cryopod room. First, it was just water and some food, because Shiro insisted they eat something, then there were blankets and pillows being brought in by Allura and they were soon camping out in front of the pod. They were careful to leave room for Coran to get to the controls and do anything that he needed to.  

Coran and Allura both stepped away, giving the paladins some space and time. Keith had stayed for a while, but then he walked out as everyone was settling down to try and sleep. Shiro followed him out, they heard him call Keith’s name before the door shut behind him.

Left alone in the quiet dark, with only the glow of Lance’s pod lighting up the room, Pidge shuffled over closer to Hunk until their arms pressed together.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Pidge asked.

“Coran said he would be.”

“He didn’t sound sure.”

“We just have to hope for the best then.”

Pidge nodded, leaning her cheek into Hunk’s shoulder.

Neither of them slept well that night.

* * *

 

Keith was distant for days and it didn’t matter how much Shiro told him that he wasn’t to blame.

“It happened right before I got there. If I had been faster he wouldn’t have gotten hurt at all,” Keith finally told him.

“Keith, it’s not your fault… it’s a war.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

They hadn’t been able to work through it. Shiro hoped that once Lance was out of the pod, morale would go up again.

That’s not what happened though.

When Lance finally woke up, he was disoriented and he didn’t seem to understand what was going on. His head had healed, but his hair hadn’t grown back yet, leaving a crooked bald spot that spiderwebbed out from a large patch above his ear.  

Coran was asking if he knew where he was, but Lance’s face screwed up and he began crying. Hunk grabbed him when his legs crumbled beneath him and held him tightly. He was trying to tell him it was okay, but while Lance leaned into the touch, he didn’t seem to be aware of his surroundings.

“Sometimes that happens. It’s not unusual with a head injury to be confused.” Coran was trying to console them.

“What do you mean? Is it permanent?” Shiro asked as calmly as he could.

“Just give him some time. Wait.”

Coran hadn’t said that it was temporary or not. After Lance sobbed hard for several minutes, he took a great gasping breath and abruptly stopped.

“Hunk?” Lance asked shakily.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“What happened? What’s going on?” Lance looked around the room at all the faces peering at him. It made him uneasy.

“You got hurt, man.”

“I did?”

“You don’t remember?” Shiro asked.

“I don’t know.” Lance wrinkled his nose. “My head hurts.”

“That’s normal,” Coran assured them all. “It should pass.”

They managed to get Lance back to his room to rest without any trouble. The next issue didn’t arise until Lance caught sight of himself in the mirror. He had been using the bathroom when he looked up and saw the bald patches and lines in his hair. He reached out his fingers and touched the mirror. Then he slowly put one hand to his head and ran his fingers over the healed wounds over and over again. Hunk had to physically drag him away from the bathroom and tell him to just go back to bed.

“It will grow back,” Hunk tried to console him.

“Looks awful.” Lance lamented.

“Hey, it’s going to be fine. It will grow back.”

Lance refused to walk around the castleship without his jacket on and his hood up after that.

More concerning was the way Lance was refusing to talk to any of them. They would ask him a question and he would just stare blankly at them.

“Is it brain damage?” And Shiro wanted to throw up at the words.

“There is no lasting damage that I can see. But brains are tricky. Even after they heal, they may not work exactly the same way. It might be something else too.” Coran spoke softly. “Has he said anything about the day he was attacked?”

“You think it’s psychological. You think it’s PTSD.” Shiro crossed his arms in concentration. It made sense.

“Is that what humans call it?” Coran asked quietly. The Altean sighed. “I think he has had a painful experience and he needs time. Unfortunately, we don’t have the time he needs. He will have to fight again.”

“He doesn’t like training. Won’t even look at his bayard.”

“Well, he won’t listen to me, but maybe he will talk to you. Try talking to him first and then he may be able to start recovering.”

Shiro uncrossed his arms and nodded.

He had to fix it. He needed to fix it. For everyone’s sakes.

* * *

 

Shiro didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity to speak to Lance. That evening, when they all sat down to dinner, Lance didn’t show up.

Hunk had started to stand to go check on him, but Shiro waved his hand at him.

“Let me try,” Shiro rose from his chair and walked briskly out the door.

Shiro found Lance curled up on his bed with his jacket on. The hood had slipped off his head and Shiro could see the missing patch of hair that Lance hated so much.

“Lance,” Shiro called softly. Lance’s eyes opened but he didn’t say anything.

“Your hair looks better. It’s growing in.”

It wasn’t the right thing to say.

Lance pulled the hood back over his head sharply.

“Hey, do you want to try coming to eat? Or I could bring food here?”

“I’m not hungry.” Well, it wasn't ideal, but at least Lance was responding.

“Still, you should eat, buddy.”

There was a long pause while Shiro decided how to approach the topic.

"Lance,” Shiro sat down on the edge of the bed. “I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”

Lance curiously turned his head slightly and looked at Shiro, surprised at the subject change.

“What is it?” He asked quietly.

“Can you talk to Keith for me?”

“Talk to… Keith?”

“Yeah, he’s been upset lately. He feels bad that you got… hurt. He thinks it’s his fault.”

Lance sat up slowly to face Shiro.

“It’s not his fault. It’s mine.”

There it was.

“How is it your fault?” Shiro asked carefully. Lance opened and closed his mouth several times and then he cast his eyes down towards the mattress.

“Lance?”

“I froze up. I freaked out. I wasn’t paying attention. It was my fault.”

“You froze? Do you know why?”

Lance shook his head and then grabbed the edge of his hood to make sure that it hadn’t fallen down.

“Look, I’m not going to be mad at you. I want you to be okay.”

“There was this Galra soldier…” Lance pulled absently at a loose thread on his blanket. “He hesitated, he looked scared.”

Shiro nodded to let Lance know he was listening.

“I killed him.” Lance slowly brought his knees up and buried his face there. “He would have killed Pidge if I didn’t.”

“Lance, Lance, you were doing it to protect Pidge, to protect us.”

“But… maybe he was protecting someone too. Maybe I had already killed someone he cared about.”

Shiro moved to sit beside Lance. He gently wrapped one arm around Lance’s shoulder.

“Lance, I am sorry. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not easy.”

“Then I got hurt and everything feels so far away and… broken now.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not though. It’s not going to be okay. It’s a war, Shiro.” Lance had started crying and he moved his hand to his mouth to try to smother it.

“Listen, I know it won’t be the same ever again. I know, but you just find reasons to keep going. Keep moving.”

Lance let out a choked sob.

“Look, if you want to step away for awhile, we’ll figure something out.”

“No,” Lance’s head shot up. “I want to help. I want to fly Blue.”

“In that case, you need to talk to us. Don’t shut us out. We can’t help you if you shut us out. And you don’t have to talk to me. You could talk to Hunk or Coran or any of us.”

Lance was nodding and Shiro rubbed his arm encouragingly.

“It’s better to talk about it then keep it all inside.”

Lance wiped at the tears that had dripped down his face. He brushed his sleeve across his nose and sniffled loudly.

“My hair looks s-st-stupid.” Lance began crying hard and he buried his face into Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro smiled sadly. It must have seemed so silly, but it had bothered him so much and was such a horrible reminder of what had happened.

“No, it’s fine.” Shiro wrapped his other arm around Lance and hugged him tight.

It wasn’t long before Lance was telling Shiro everything, all the details about the reluctant soldier to the anxiety attack he had in the middle of the battle to his memories of getting attacked and being so scared and helpless.

“What if I freak out and I can’t fight and someone else gets hurt? It will be my fault.”

“Hey, even if that did happen, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

Lance was shaking his head.

“No, listen. I know you would never let anyone hurt us if you could stop it.”

“My head hurts,” Lance scrubbed at his eyes. He then allowed himself to collapse into Shiro’s shoulder again and take several shuddering breaths.

“It will get better,” Shiro mumbled into the cloth of his hood. “Little by little. It’s going to be okay.”

Shiro hoped that he wasn’t lying. Lance was so strong. Shiro knew that, together, they could get through this.

* * *

 

The next morning, Lance showed up to breakfast with his hood down. At the end of the meal, he pulled it over his head again, but nobody said anything about it either way. _One step at a time._ Shiro thought as he smiled hopefully at Lance.

 

* * *

 

Lance found Keith training in the early morning. He stood by and waited for Keith to finish his round before he called out to him.

“What is it, Lance?” Keith asked as he approached the other boy. Lance hunched his shoulders at first and looked like he might have changed his mind about talking to Keith.

“You alright?” Keith asked with a raised eyebrow. Lance slowly pulled the hood off his head. Keith’s eyes widened slightly, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m alright… I was wondering if you could do me a favor?”

“Yeah... Of course, what is it?”

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure about this?”

“Well, I figure, even if you mess it up, it can’t look worse than yours.”

Coran had let them borrow some hair clippers and Lance was sitting in a chair in the middle of one of the lounge areas with a blanket around his shoulders.

“How short?”

“Just shorter, make it look more even.”

“It’s not going to be even unless I shave it.”

“No, don’t make me bald! Just trim it.”

“Alright.” After a moment of hesitation, Keith started clipping away. Lance absently watched his hair fall onto his chest and shoulders. He willed himself to sit still.

They were both quiet for a moment before Keith spoke up.

“Why me? Why didn’t you ask Hunk or Shiro to do this?”

Lance thought about it.

“Hunk would worry too much and I don’t know if Shiro could hold clippers with a metal hand, he might slip up.”

“What about Pidge?”

“I figured Pidge wouldn’t be able to reach.”

Keith actually let out a huff of laughter.

“Alright.”

They fell into a comfortable silence.

“Keith?”

Keith hummed in response.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”

Keith hesitated before he continued trimming.

“Shiro says it’s not my fault, so if that’s true, there’s no way it’s your fault either,” Lance insisted.

Keith didn’t say anything.

“Keith?”

“Yeah, alright. I get it. Fine.”

A while later, the trimming stopped and Keith went silent.

“Done?” Lance asked.

“Yeah.”

Lance was up quickly and carrying the blanket away to throw into the laundry.

“It’s still… um short on the side.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not going to be perfect.”

“Yeah, guess not.”

Lance walked around with his hood down after that. He still winced when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, but he refused to hide it anymore.

He was going to heal from this.

* * *

 

Weeks went by and Lance was slowly starting to open up again. He had a few nightmares and would end up in Hunk or Pidge’s room during the night. But everybody was really patient with him.

The next time they were on a mission, Shiro didn’t ask him to separate and be a sniper. He stayed close to them, only taking down a few targets when it was absolutely necessary. Lance was still anxious over even holding his bayard again. He started breathing too quickly and Shiro was relieved when they were able to get back to their lions instead of fighting on the ground.

After they were back at the castleship, Shiro found Lance fighting back tears in his room.

“If I’m not the sharpshooter… I’m not anything,” Lance started crying. Shiro sat with Lance for a long time and just listened. Sometimes all he could do was listen and try to encourage the younger boy. Sometimes it never seemed like enough.

“Brains are tricky,” Coran told Shiro again. “He may not ever go back to the way things were. He’s had a bad trauma.”

It would be several more weeks until Lance had to play the role as a sniper again. Pidge was watching his back, staying close the entire time. She stood with him on the edge of a cliff and made sure that nobody got near him. Down below, the battle raged and Lance felt guilty for keeping Pidge from it.

Lance’s shots weren’t as accurate, some of them were going wide and that was probably because his hands were shaking so hard.

It was taking two to three shots to bring down some of the soldiers. It wasn’t quick.

Lance’s breathing speed up, his lungs wouldn’t take in anymore air.

“Lance,” Pidge knelt by his side. “Keith never looks over his shoulder, he’s got someone coming up behind him.” Lance shifted, aimed, there was no time to panic, fired…

One more dead soldier and Keith was safe. Lance took in big gulps of air and he let the gun fall to the side.

Pidge sat a hand on his back.

“Just breathe. You’re okay. You did well.”

“Thank you,” Lance said after he had been breathing for several minutes.

“You’re kind of amazing, did you know that?”

Lance was startled by the compliment. Pidge wasn’t usually so open about that kind of thing.

“I messed up a lot…”

“I’ve been watching you save everyone. I just saw you save Keith. You’re amazing.”

Lance nodded. It wasn’t like he enjoyed killing soldiers, he just wanted to protect his team.

“You’re very brave, Lance.”

Lance wanted to tell her she was wrong, but Pidge was looking at him with such a genuine expression that Lance couldn’t argue. He could only nod in response.

When they made it back to the castleship, Shiro pulled Lance into a sideways hug.

“You’re alright?” Shiro asked.

“I’ll be okay,” Lance answered honestly. Shiro smiled at him and Lance returned it. The war was taking a lot of things from them, but they were going to survive it. Shiro was sure of it.

Lance removed his helmet and wiped sweat from his brow. His hair was still too short, but the hair in the bare spot had grown in.

You couldn’t even see it anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I think this is my favorite one. I could have written so much more on this, but since whump week is technically over, I wanted to get it posted. 
> 
> Leave me a comment! Thank you everyone for reading!


End file.
